I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
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5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night