I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
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I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”