If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
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A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
the three branches of government
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Love this guy
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.