How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
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[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
That’s classic.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.