is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
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demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak