Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
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Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…