Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared đ
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
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Itâs embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
secret recipe
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
I take my kids on vacation because I think itâs important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
My friendâs DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Eccentric Millionaire: Iâve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now Iâm really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Me: âGuys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.â
7yo: âDo I need to wear shoes?â
Me: âYes.â
[4 minutes later]
7yo: âWhat about pants?â
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
This will be my last writing as Iâve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidentsâ heads all make out.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you Iâm a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?