“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
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Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
somebody come look at this
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
stand with me against insufficient seating
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.