WHO DID THIS?
You Might Also Like
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard