I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
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*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀