got so much cardio in today
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[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Body by Oreos
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.