My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
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You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy