Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
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*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.