Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
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[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
why would tinder want me to say this
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house