*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
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HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Look at this
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”