Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
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Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.