I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
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suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
idk what this dog had been going through but same
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.