Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
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The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.