My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
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When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
My patience has stretch marks.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.