Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
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Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.