Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
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For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.