God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
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Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”