For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
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Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie