It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
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Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
dictator is short for richard potato
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names