I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
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villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Looking at you, Jesus.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Shower sex be like:
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Whoa 😂