Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
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Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.