The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
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When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
she would like to bark at the manager, please.