I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
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People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
pep talk
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.