Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
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Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.