You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
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Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME