Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
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Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
me refusing to leave twitter
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
How to draw a duck
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks