9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
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I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
when you order from DoorDastardly
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.