I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
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Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.