I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
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Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??