A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
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I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey