You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
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ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
I didn’t come here to be called names
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay