Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
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Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
#oldknees
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him