If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
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7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Tastes like chicken.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
I think the cat got the dog high.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety