Mountain Goat : )
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Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Actually cracking up @ this
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*