Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
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*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
My birthstone is kidney
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned