Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
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🤦🏻♀️😂😂
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Me trying to reach for my goals
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
OH. COME. ON.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”