[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
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Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.