To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
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I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage