What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
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BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Writing, She Murdered.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Just how popey was the pope today?
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that