I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
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*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
how long have you had this for?
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Beware of fowl play.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Kermit goes Blue.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.