Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
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Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.