“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
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I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.