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The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
*pokes sex life with a stick
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?