I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
You Might Also Like
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
“I FIXED IT!”
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
The government even made aliens boring
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.