Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
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I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT